I swear each year goes by faster and faster.
I did something unthinkable and stuck to a resolution this year. I managed to get into blogging again. And have become totally addicted to it. Its like I have this almighty yearning to go to a computer and type up some bullshit. I don't think people appreciate how much blogging can help you get things off your chest. I mean would people prefer that they get even more bullshit from me, than what they all ready do?
This year has had a lot of low points, with having a few people I'm close to die, and also a suicide attempt a few months ago. I have struggled this year both financially and mentally. Without having a release or any of my friends to rely on, I really doubt I could have made it without any of them. So thank you. Thats the people I have befriended through this site, the GC fam, work pals, College pals, rosyth Peoples, cowdenbeath/kelty peoples and basically anyone who has offered me something to lean on this past year. I love you all.
There has been some good things this year, like seeing Nofx for the first time in 8 years, having banter with many bands including Dogsflesh, Outl4w and 4PM. Just going to gigs generally makes me happy. I am planning on some more gigs this year, seeing as I missed out on some in 09. Mostly because its been the year, when I've never had money. Which is fail, its like I work to get by, and thats it.
Hope everyone has a grand Hogmanay, whatever you're doing. See ya in 2010.
Thursday, 31 December 2009
So, thats another year gone.
I swear each year goes by faster and faster.
I did something unthinkable and stuck to a resolution this year. I managed to get into blogging again. And have become totally addicted to it. Its like I have this almighty yearning to go to a computer and type up some bullshit. I don't think people appreciate how much blogging can help you get things off your chest. I mean would people prefer that they get even more bullshit from me, than what they all ready do?
This year has had a lot of low points, with having a few people I'm close to die, and also a suicide attempt a few months ago. I have struggled this year both financially and mentally. Without having a release or any of my friends to rely on, I really doubt I could have made it without any of them. So thank you. Thats the people I have befriended through this site, the GC fam, work pals, College pals, rosyth Peoples, cowdenbeath/kelty peoples and basically anyone who has offered me something to lean on this past year. I love you all.
There has been some good things this year, like seeing Nofx for the first time in 8 years, having banter with many bands including Dogsflesh, Outl4w and 4PM. Just going to gigs generally makes me happy. I am planning on some more gigs this year, seeing as I missed out on some in 09. Mostly because its been the year, when I've never had money. Which is fail, its like I work to get by, and thats it.
Hope everyone has a grand Hogmanay, whatever you're doing. See ya in 2010.
I did something unthinkable and stuck to a resolution this year. I managed to get into blogging again. And have become totally addicted to it. Its like I have this almighty yearning to go to a computer and type up some bullshit. I don't think people appreciate how much blogging can help you get things off your chest. I mean would people prefer that they get even more bullshit from me, than what they all ready do?
This year has had a lot of low points, with having a few people I'm close to die, and also a suicide attempt a few months ago. I have struggled this year both financially and mentally. Without having a release or any of my friends to rely on, I really doubt I could have made it without any of them. So thank you. Thats the people I have befriended through this site, the GC fam, work pals, College pals, rosyth Peoples, cowdenbeath/kelty peoples and basically anyone who has offered me something to lean on this past year. I love you all.
There has been some good things this year, like seeing Nofx for the first time in 8 years, having banter with many bands including Dogsflesh, Outl4w and 4PM. Just going to gigs generally makes me happy. I am planning on some more gigs this year, seeing as I missed out on some in 09. Mostly because its been the year, when I've never had money. Which is fail, its like I work to get by, and thats it.
Hope everyone has a grand Hogmanay, whatever you're doing. See ya in 2010.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Umm....
I came on a realisation today.
You can achieve all your dreams, and still not be satisfied. Wow, that's depressing. But for some odd reason, it made me feel a bit better. I mean, I think its because when you have hopes and dreams, you still have something to aspire for. Which is what people need as they go through their mundane lives. If you have no more aspirations, then its like you have no hopes left. Thats really sad.
So although I sounded quite depressed on my last blog, I am of the opinion that I have most of my life still to live. And, at the moment, I am quite excited about that prospect. I mean look at everything I've learned over the last 25 years. Ok, I may be a bit on the slow side sometimes, but I have learnt quite a lot.
As long as you always aspire, you will always live a life.
Ok, I felt there was a mood with this blog so I went with it. My mate Gemma has given me her cheese. Ok that sounds dirty. haha.
Anywho, I'm quite happy cause I only had three days at work this week. And have a New Years party at my friends flat, when I finish work at 11. I have been invited to two parties. But I'm gonna be lucky to get to the flat in Rosyth before midnight, never mind going all the way to Kelty. Especially when the people who I'd get lift off, aren't working. All the buses will be cut off early, so I'd have to get a taxi, which I cant afford. espec when I can walk down to Amy and Jims bit.
You can achieve all your dreams, and still not be satisfied. Wow, that's depressing. But for some odd reason, it made me feel a bit better. I mean, I think its because when you have hopes and dreams, you still have something to aspire for. Which is what people need as they go through their mundane lives. If you have no more aspirations, then its like you have no hopes left. Thats really sad.
So although I sounded quite depressed on my last blog, I am of the opinion that I have most of my life still to live. And, at the moment, I am quite excited about that prospect. I mean look at everything I've learned over the last 25 years. Ok, I may be a bit on the slow side sometimes, but I have learnt quite a lot.
As long as you always aspire, you will always live a life.
Ok, I felt there was a mood with this blog so I went with it. My mate Gemma has given me her cheese. Ok that sounds dirty. haha.
Anywho, I'm quite happy cause I only had three days at work this week. And have a New Years party at my friends flat, when I finish work at 11. I have been invited to two parties. But I'm gonna be lucky to get to the flat in Rosyth before midnight, never mind going all the way to Kelty. Especially when the people who I'd get lift off, aren't working. All the buses will be cut off early, so I'd have to get a taxi, which I cant afford. espec when I can walk down to Amy and Jims bit.
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
I dunno anymore....
What do you do when the people you hold up and aspire to be, die?
I wish I had an answer. I'm sitting on my bed shell-shocked about the death of Avenged Sevenfold drummer Jimmy Sullivan (aka The Rev). Its totally taken me by suprise. The thing is, it appears he died of natural causes, and he was only 28. I turn 26 this year, so he was only a few years older than me. Its a horrible feeling. That sounds really selfish, when I think about it. But I suppose it isn't till someone dies. you evaluate your own life, and ultimately decide on how empty it has been.
I felt like this when Brittany Murphy died, it was like although never meeting either, I felt this massive sense of loss, because of the level of admiration I held for them. Its sad. Brittany was 32 when she died. and again, thats not that much older than myself. I suppose as you go on about your day to day life, you just ignore mortality. But events like this, brings it more into consciousness, and I suppose you in turn think of what you achieved.
And that disappoints me. Cause all I see in my life is a series of failure after failure. I just think that I'm 25, still living with my folks, still at college, and still having a shitty part-time job. Nothing has changed since I left school, really. Yes, I try to better myself, but I can't seem to get myself out of this rut. I think, here I am, and nothing has changed in the last 7 years. *sigh*
What can I do to change things? Move out, get a full time job?
The thing is, having a job gives me money to go to college, and at least then I am doing something I love. Whereas, if I worked in Sky full-time, I may just top myself. Again, I couldn't just do college, cause I like to feel that I'm earning my own money. So untill I have taken this as far as I can, I don't really want to give up. I just need to get my debts sorted get a new credit card, and swap everything over, and pay them off. And the like. I have phone bill, loans, credit cards, and laptop to pay for, so I can't afford to give up my work.
Life is a shitter. I can't afford rent, so I can't get a flat. So I'm kinda stuck.
But I do enjoy somethings, I love my music, I love my friends. I love the fact that I am doing something I want, and getting better at it. I feel lucky I can express my feelings quite openly, whether its in a blog, like this, or in a drawing. I appreciate so much music, I always have something to go along with whatever mood I am in, and for that I am so thankful for.
I'm thankful that I have a wide range of idols, who have helped shaped me and my ideals: Benji Madden (obv), Lars Fredrikson, Patti Smith, Oscar Wilde, Bob Marley, Ellen Page, Kat Von D, Tsugumi Ohba, Kevin Smith, Kazuya Minekura, April Flores, Nikki Sixx, Stan Lee, Paul Cezanne, Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Frederic Bazille, John Constable and John Grisham. These are artists, musicians and general 'good folk' who give me inspiration in my day to day life. If any of them are unknown to you, google them, and be inspired.
I wish I had an answer. I'm sitting on my bed shell-shocked about the death of Avenged Sevenfold drummer Jimmy Sullivan (aka The Rev). Its totally taken me by suprise. The thing is, it appears he died of natural causes, and he was only 28. I turn 26 this year, so he was only a few years older than me. Its a horrible feeling. That sounds really selfish, when I think about it. But I suppose it isn't till someone dies. you evaluate your own life, and ultimately decide on how empty it has been.
I felt like this when Brittany Murphy died, it was like although never meeting either, I felt this massive sense of loss, because of the level of admiration I held for them. Its sad. Brittany was 32 when she died. and again, thats not that much older than myself. I suppose as you go on about your day to day life, you just ignore mortality. But events like this, brings it more into consciousness, and I suppose you in turn think of what you achieved.
And that disappoints me. Cause all I see in my life is a series of failure after failure. I just think that I'm 25, still living with my folks, still at college, and still having a shitty part-time job. Nothing has changed since I left school, really. Yes, I try to better myself, but I can't seem to get myself out of this rut. I think, here I am, and nothing has changed in the last 7 years. *sigh*
What can I do to change things? Move out, get a full time job?
The thing is, having a job gives me money to go to college, and at least then I am doing something I love. Whereas, if I worked in Sky full-time, I may just top myself. Again, I couldn't just do college, cause I like to feel that I'm earning my own money. So untill I have taken this as far as I can, I don't really want to give up. I just need to get my debts sorted get a new credit card, and swap everything over, and pay them off. And the like. I have phone bill, loans, credit cards, and laptop to pay for, so I can't afford to give up my work.
Life is a shitter. I can't afford rent, so I can't get a flat. So I'm kinda stuck.
But I do enjoy somethings, I love my music, I love my friends. I love the fact that I am doing something I want, and getting better at it. I feel lucky I can express my feelings quite openly, whether its in a blog, like this, or in a drawing. I appreciate so much music, I always have something to go along with whatever mood I am in, and for that I am so thankful for.
I'm thankful that I have a wide range of idols, who have helped shaped me and my ideals: Benji Madden (obv), Lars Fredrikson, Patti Smith, Oscar Wilde, Bob Marley, Ellen Page, Kat Von D, Tsugumi Ohba, Kevin Smith, Kazuya Minekura, April Flores, Nikki Sixx, Stan Lee, Paul Cezanne, Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Frederic Bazille, John Constable and John Grisham. These are artists, musicians and general 'good folk' who give me inspiration in my day to day life. If any of them are unknown to you, google them, and be inspired.
Monday, 21 December 2009
Hurt
Today I messed up
I broke my promise to you
I said I wouldn't do it again
But I'm lost without you
To live with the prospect
Of walking this world alone
To have no-one by my side
To catch me when I fall
I know I hurt you
But it's truly not my fault
I can't do this no more
Not on my own
I know this isn't really poetry, but its angsty writing, I felt I needed to share.
I broke my promise to you
I said I wouldn't do it again
But I'm lost without you
To live with the prospect
Of walking this world alone
To have no-one by my side
To catch me when I fall
I know I hurt you
But it's truly not my fault
I can't do this no more
Not on my own
I know this isn't really poetry, but its angsty writing, I felt I needed to share.
The day after the night before
Feeling kinda rough today.
Had my works night out last night, and it was great. Had about ten pints of lager and was kinda wasted at the end of the night. Was good though. Well, I enjoyed it. As with all work nights out, there was a bit of drama. It was between Sam, Jade and Jen. Jade's one of the new members of the team, and Jen and Sam have been pals for a while now. They are all involved with guys, but Jade was all over everyone, especially Sam. Jen didn't want to take part in their messing around, so she was completely ignored by Sam and Jade.
I mean they were sitting snogging in the toilets. Sam has a boyfriend and Jade is engaged, and I hate cheating. I'm trying to not be judgemental about it, but its hard when I saw how hurt Jen was.
I think work is going to be slightly awkward tonight. I hope it isn't, but I just have that feeling.
Other than that, everyone got on, and it was a good, if expensive night. Sky had £300 behind the bar, and it lasted less than an hour.
I still haven't been payed from my work, I get paid on Wednesday, and its going to be rush of christmas shopping. Heading to Kirkaldy on do some shopping, actually I mean all my shopping. I have my little sister a necklace, but that's about it. I don't even know what I'm getting everyone. *sigh*
I don't understand how I'm so far behind on shopping, I mean its not like christmas sneaks up on us every year. Its always the same. I am getting worse and worse about buying, because I feel like ignoring it, and it won't come. I've been doing that way too much lately. Its not just presents, its my bills, I just ignore them, and end up getting in a lot of bother. Its like I feel like I'm trying to get my feet cleared, but the banks and things just keep on charging me. I mean its not fair. How am I supposed to help myself when I go to the bank, and all they can offer is a paid account, which still limits me on my overdraft.
Stupid everything.
Had my works night out last night, and it was great. Had about ten pints of lager and was kinda wasted at the end of the night. Was good though. Well, I enjoyed it. As with all work nights out, there was a bit of drama. It was between Sam, Jade and Jen. Jade's one of the new members of the team, and Jen and Sam have been pals for a while now. They are all involved with guys, but Jade was all over everyone, especially Sam. Jen didn't want to take part in their messing around, so she was completely ignored by Sam and Jade.
I mean they were sitting snogging in the toilets. Sam has a boyfriend and Jade is engaged, and I hate cheating. I'm trying to not be judgemental about it, but its hard when I saw how hurt Jen was.
I think work is going to be slightly awkward tonight. I hope it isn't, but I just have that feeling.
Other than that, everyone got on, and it was a good, if expensive night. Sky had £300 behind the bar, and it lasted less than an hour.
I still haven't been payed from my work, I get paid on Wednesday, and its going to be rush of christmas shopping. Heading to Kirkaldy on do some shopping, actually I mean all my shopping. I have my little sister a necklace, but that's about it. I don't even know what I'm getting everyone. *sigh*
I don't understand how I'm so far behind on shopping, I mean its not like christmas sneaks up on us every year. Its always the same. I am getting worse and worse about buying, because I feel like ignoring it, and it won't come. I've been doing that way too much lately. Its not just presents, its my bills, I just ignore them, and end up getting in a lot of bother. Its like I feel like I'm trying to get my feet cleared, but the banks and things just keep on charging me. I mean its not fair. How am I supposed to help myself when I go to the bank, and all they can offer is a paid account, which still limits me on my overdraft.
Stupid everything.
The day after the night before
Feeling kinda rough today.
Had my works night out last night, and it was great. Had about ten pints of lager and was kinda wasted at the end of the night. Was good though. Well, I enjoyed it. As with all work nights out, there was a bit of drama. It was between Sam, Jade and Jen. Jade's one of the new members of the team, and Jen and Sam have been pals for a while now. They are all involved with guys, but Jade was all over everyone, especially Sam. Jen didn't want to take part in their messing around, so she was completely ignored by Sam and Jade.
I mean they were sitting snogging in the toilets. Sam has a boyfriend and Jade is engaged, and I hate cheating. I'm trying to not be judgemental about it, but its hard when I saw how hurt Jen was.
I think work is going to be slightly awkward tonight. I hope it isn't, but I just have that feeling.
Other than that, everyone got on, and it was a good, if expensive night. Sky had £300 behind the bar, and it lasted less than an hour.
I still haven't been payed from my work, I get paid on Wednesday, and its going to be rush of christmas shopping. Heading to Kirkaldy on do some shopping, actually I mean all my shopping. I have my little sister a necklace, but that's about it. I don't even know what I'm getting everyone. *sigh*
I don't understand how I'm so far behind on shopping, I mean its not like christmas sneaks up on us every year. Its always the same. I am getting worse and worse about buying, because I feel like ignoring it, and it won't come. I've been doing that way too much lately. Its not just presents, its my bills, I just ignore them, and end up getting in a lot of bother. Its like I feel like I'm trying to get my feet cleared, but the banks and things just keep on charging me. I mean its not fair. How am I supposed to help myself when I go to the bank, and all they can offer is a paid account, which still limits me on my overdraft.
Stupid everything.
Had my works night out last night, and it was great. Had about ten pints of lager and was kinda wasted at the end of the night. Was good though. Well, I enjoyed it. As with all work nights out, there was a bit of drama. It was between Sam, Jade and Jen. Jade's one of the new members of the team, and Jen and Sam have been pals for a while now. They are all involved with guys, but Jade was all over everyone, especially Sam. Jen didn't want to take part in their messing around, so she was completely ignored by Sam and Jade.
I mean they were sitting snogging in the toilets. Sam has a boyfriend and Jade is engaged, and I hate cheating. I'm trying to not be judgemental about it, but its hard when I saw how hurt Jen was.
I think work is going to be slightly awkward tonight. I hope it isn't, but I just have that feeling.
Other than that, everyone got on, and it was a good, if expensive night. Sky had £300 behind the bar, and it lasted less than an hour.
I still haven't been payed from my work, I get paid on Wednesday, and its going to be rush of christmas shopping. Heading to Kirkaldy on do some shopping, actually I mean all my shopping. I have my little sister a necklace, but that's about it. I don't even know what I'm getting everyone. *sigh*
I don't understand how I'm so far behind on shopping, I mean its not like christmas sneaks up on us every year. Its always the same. I am getting worse and worse about buying, because I feel like ignoring it, and it won't come. I've been doing that way too much lately. Its not just presents, its my bills, I just ignore them, and end up getting in a lot of bother. Its like I feel like I'm trying to get my feet cleared, but the banks and things just keep on charging me. I mean its not fair. How am I supposed to help myself when I go to the bank, and all they can offer is a paid account, which still limits me on my overdraft.
Stupid everything.
Thursday, 10 December 2009
This makes a change I am blogging from home today.
I actually do things other than go to college and work. I know, I'm shocked too.
What is more shocking, is the fact that I actually did work today. I made a pig, lol. Its supposed to be a piggy bank, but I can't think of how to get it looking more 'bank-like'. But its a good start.
I am now gonna sit and do a bit of writing, and try and finish the creative industries report that I have been trying to do for the last week and a bit. Its nice to take a more relaxed look at my work. I say relaxed, as relaxed as I can be with a hand in next week. I am still suprizingly chilled about the whole thing. Its odd. Panic stations should hit over the weekend, I mean next Friday, isn't long to get all this work done. -.- But at least I've found my motivation when I still have time left. Makes a change.
Oh I have a new wish list of things I want:
*Camera- like a proper professional looking camera, so I can get photopasses at gigs.
*External harddrive- so I can do a back-up all my digital art work
*Death Note anime set- just cause its braw
*Death Note movies- seen part one, I want part 2 also
*iMac/Macbook- just cause Apple is the sex. I want one.
*Super stereo- one that has a record player and an ipod dock- they are super braw.
And thats it, I don't want much, lol. The camera and the Mac is for my art :D, so they are essential. I can get a decent second hand camera for under £100. So yeah...
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Blah
Get this.
First deadline for ALL my college work next week, and guess who is probably going to miss said deadline?
That's right. MEEEEE! (what a good guess)
The worrying thing is that I am not as stressed as I probably should be. Which is odd. I am usually at panic stations, but all I want to do is do other things. Such as drawing my character (whose name has changed from Kaiko to Kako).
Talking about Kako, I have went crazy drawing her. Its like I have been drawing her loads, and its the only thing I seem to have any productivity for. Its odd cause as a kid, I used to have all these dreams about 'foxy-people' and its like it is now I've finally found a way to put these thoughts into something productive. I felt that if i could start on something productive, I could transfer it across to my college work, which is easier said than done. I just can't focus at all.
Its like all I do right now is college and work, and that's it. Its driving me fecking mental.
First deadline for ALL my college work next week, and guess who is probably going to miss said deadline?
That's right. MEEEEE! (what a good guess)
The worrying thing is that I am not as stressed as I probably should be. Which is odd. I am usually at panic stations, but all I want to do is do other things. Such as drawing my character (whose name has changed from Kaiko to Kako).
Talking about Kako, I have went crazy drawing her. Its like I have been drawing her loads, and its the only thing I seem to have any productivity for. Its odd cause as a kid, I used to have all these dreams about 'foxy-people' and its like it is now I've finally found a way to put these thoughts into something productive. I felt that if i could start on something productive, I could transfer it across to my college work, which is easier said than done. I just can't focus at all.
Its like all I do right now is college and work, and that's it. Its driving me fecking mental.
Blah
Get this.
First deadline for ALL my college work next week, and guess who is probably going to miss said deadline?
That's right. MEEEEE! (what a good guess)
The worrying thing is that I am not as stressed as I probably should be. Which is odd. I am usually at panic stations, but all I want to do is do other things. Such as drawing my character (whose name has changed from Kaiko to Kako).
Talking about Kako, I have went crazy drawing her. Its like I have been drawing her loads, and its the only thing I seem to have any productivity for. Its odd cause as a kid, I used to have all these dreams about 'foxy-people' and its like it is now I've finally found a way to put these thoughts into something productive. I felt that if i could start on something productive, I could transfer it across to my college work, which is easier said than done. I just can't focus at all.
Its like all I do right now is college and work, and that's it. Its driving me fecking mental.
First deadline for ALL my college work next week, and guess who is probably going to miss said deadline?
That's right. MEEEEE! (what a good guess)
The worrying thing is that I am not as stressed as I probably should be. Which is odd. I am usually at panic stations, but all I want to do is do other things. Such as drawing my character (whose name has changed from Kaiko to Kako).
Talking about Kako, I have went crazy drawing her. Its like I have been drawing her loads, and its the only thing I seem to have any productivity for. Its odd cause as a kid, I used to have all these dreams about 'foxy-people' and its like it is now I've finally found a way to put these thoughts into something productive. I felt that if i could start on something productive, I could transfer it across to my college work, which is easier said than done. I just can't focus at all.
Its like all I do right now is college and work, and that's it. Its driving me fecking mental.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)