I dunno anymore....

What do you do when the people you hold up and aspire to be, die?

I wish I had an answer. I'm sitting on my bed shell-shocked about the death of Avenged Sevenfold drummer Jimmy Sullivan (aka The Rev). Its totally taken me by suprise. The thing is, it appears he died of natural causes, and he was only 28. I turn 26 this year, so he was only a few years older than me. Its a horrible feeling. That sounds really selfish, when I think about it. But I suppose it isn't till someone dies. you evaluate your own life, and ultimately decide on how empty it has been.

I felt like this when Brittany Murphy died, it was like although never meeting either, I felt this massive sense of loss, because of the level of admiration I held for them. Its sad. Brittany was 32 when she died. and again, thats not that much older than myself. I suppose as you go on about your day to day life, you just ignore mortality. But events like this, brings it more into consciousness, and I suppose you in turn think of what you achieved.

And that disappoints me. Cause all I see in my life is a series of failure after failure. I just think that I'm 25, still living with my folks, still at college, and still having a shitty part-time job. Nothing has changed since I left school, really. Yes, I try to better myself, but I can't seem to get myself out of this rut. I think, here I am, and nothing has changed in the last 7 years. *sigh*

What can I do to change things? Move out, get a full time job?

The thing is, having a job gives me money to go to college, and at least then I am doing something I love. Whereas, if I worked in Sky full-time, I may just top myself. Again, I couldn't just do college, cause I like to feel that I'm earning my own money. So untill I have taken this as far as I can, I don't really want to give up. I just need to get my debts sorted get a new credit card, and swap everything over, and pay them off. And the like. I have phone bill, loans, credit cards, and laptop to pay for, so I can't afford to give up my work.

Life is a shitter. I can't afford rent, so I can't get a flat. So I'm kinda stuck.

But I do enjoy somethings, I love my music, I love my friends. I love the fact that I am doing something I want, and getting better at it. I feel lucky I can express my feelings quite openly, whether its in a blog, like this, or in a drawing. I appreciate so much music, I always have something to go along with whatever mood I am in, and for that I am so thankful for.

I'm thankful that I have a wide range of idols, who have helped shaped me and my ideals: Benji Madden (obv), Lars Fredrikson, Patti Smith, Oscar Wilde, Bob Marley, Ellen Page, Kat Von D, Tsugumi Ohba, Kevin Smith, Kazuya Minekura, April Flores, Nikki Sixx, Stan Lee, Paul Cezanne, Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Frederic Bazille, John Constable and John Grisham. These are artists, musicians and general 'good folk' who give me inspiration in my day to day life. If any of them are unknown to you, google them, and be inspired.